wrinkles on our portraits

My sister was a Girl Scout for as long as you could be one.

I was not.

Although, I never denied a social hour so I sat in on many of Katie's "meetings."

Hundreds of these hangouts over the years all blend together but there is one I will never forget.

The young girls were all asked to draw the best pictures of themselves. Colors, markers, tracing, bows, braids, sparkly eyes, colored paper and glitter spread all over the table and their papers.

They took their time - as they were instructed to do so.

At the end of the hour, the girls were told to crumble their portraits up, and then attempt to flatten them back out.

They were pressing the paper down, trying their hardest to flatten and no matter what they did, the paper was ruined.

Their portraits tainted.

The moms (troop leaders) explained that the attempt to straighten out the paper was similar to that of an apology and each wrinkle was similar to an insult or negative thought.

Apologies help, but it does not return the portrait to its original state of perfection.

Each negative thought, insult, comparison, side by side, and measure is wrinkling our paper and slowly damaging ourselves. No form of apology can ever heal the wounds we create ourselves or do to others.

I think of this time to time when I compare myself.

In every phase of life I will look at other people and envy what they have or what they do.

The funny thing is, they are probably also comparing themselves or their skills to mine.

I mean, I bet even now you just thought of a couple things you compared, have been jealous of, or harmful thoughts that consumed you.

For me, it can be as simple as being jealous of my friends because they don't have homework or they slept an extra hour than I did.

I am always envious of the new fall line that drops at Aritzia - then winter, then summer, then spring. Back to fall. It never ends.

I compare, analyze, want, and expect things that are unrealistic.

I tend to wake up negative. Talk bad about my day, my life, my coffee, my outfit and anything else that rubs me the wrong way.

I wrinkle and wrinkle and wrinkle my portrait to the point where sometimes I do not recognize what I am doing.

It is beyond easy to get lost in the negativity and as you know, habits build character. A bad habit of complaining and all of a sudden you are a known complainer.

It's not all negative thoughts though.

Most of this is driven by a fight - trying to out compete those around you and stay in the know of it all.

To be honest, right now it's the 'norm' in law school.

I try not to fall into the trap and mental warfare of it all but some days it caves right in.

Those are the days where I look in the mirror and see the wrinkles in my portrait. And, it hurts, it's draining, lacks substance, and is honestly weak.

It is honestly a form of weakness to fall into the trap of what we are set up to do.

It feels like all there is to do in corporate America, law school, or life itself is to compare or be compared — to constantly match the pace. It’s everywhere, and it’s quietly eroding our sense of self.

Think about it: your grades are curved based on others, your attractiveness in a room of people depends on who is standing next to you, your job acceptance is comparative to those that interviewed before you, you win the race based on how slow the runners are behind you, and you may even get the heart on the transplant list for being sicker than those laying beside you.

Are these systems created to tear us apart? To wrinkle our portraits and slowly lose ourselves?

I mean, maybe?!

This got darker than I intended - and why I have struggled to write this piece because it is a twisted concept.

This innate concept of comparison that kills you.

Why are we falling into the trap of the way things are wired?

It is frustrating, and I know we are all better than falling into the mold of comparison.

Like a hamster in a wheel that never stops. Let's shift the focus - because we can.

I am working for the foreseeable future to be like an iron. Remove the wrinkles in my portrait, the portraits of those around me, and for once try to be positive and not care about what others are doing.

Don't lose sight of the meaning of life.

Tune the noise out because a strong mentality is everything. Remove the thoughts of comparison because it only leads to a slow death.

Those little Girl Scouts had it right, the paper may always wrinkle but we can choose how to draw ourselves back in.

Be the iron to the wrinkles in your portrait.

Exhausted and learning to practice what I preach,

Jane