starting over

"What's your favorite food?" "Do you have any siblings?" "Where are you from?"

All questions I hate. Because when I get questions like that, it just means I have, yet again, started over.

I have re-opened whatever wounds I patched up and moved forward to try to find the one.

The one, the two, the tenth.

It is all the same.

A guy pursues me, we like each other, it gets serious - too serious - and then they pull away.

I don't gamble but I am sure as hell confident enough to bet all my money that the next guy follows the same pattern. Put it all on red (flag).

I am so sick of this. This constant and horrifying cycle of trusting immature men.

The last one in particular was quite a let down.

He was probably right and we were definitely not on the same page. I was working towards success and he just well - wasn't working. A gap year is not something to be ashamed of at all, but the way he went about his was very unattractive.

But, I overlooked it because he was nice, chill and seemed to really be obsessed with me.

I think I learned that I want a man that brings more to the table than a credit card.

It is really hard to see a guy that dresses well, that tells you what you want to hear, pays for nice dinners and not think he is the best guy in the world.

But, dare I say, that is the definition of the bare minimum.

It is crucial to break a man out of a mold you placed him in. The idea that he is so much more perfect than he is.

Truth is, he is likely the minimum and not the high standard.

And while this is not every case, it has been a common theme for me.

If I have learned anything about myself this past year of dating and learning and growing, it is that I am in no way a bare minimum myself - or looking for that in others.

Not to toot my own horn, but I am funny, I love sports (I mean I literally fulfilled my dream of going to the Super Bowl), I am chill with plans, and am a shopaholic that would definitely spoil someone, and I am an organized type-A eldest daughter.

The feeling of needing to prove this, or starting over with a man who knows nothing about you can be daunting.

Hinge is another horror movie. As all my friends in the same boat would say, it is hard out there. The feeling of hopelessness, and the dates that get planned and fall faster than a Jenga tower. It is a brutal process.

I was confiding in the annoyance of this process with my roommate. How it is so frustrating to put yourself out there time and time again. And, honestly, I often think - "Is this even worth it?"

When is all this effort and hope going to pay off?!

The answer is, I don't know. Hopefully not never.

One thing I do know is that I would rather die alone surrounded by my friends than date or marry a loser.

I saw some girl post on TikTok the other day "sometimes I wish to have no standards so I could find the love of my life 3 times a year like the rest of you."

This was funny and not to be taken as law, but it is a good reminder ahead of the single girls least favorite holiday today - Valentine's Day.

The relationships that flood every corner of your socials are not the full story and there is nothing wrong with sticking to high standards and waiting for the one.

Again, this is not to be a diss at every relationship you see because I know so many friends that are genuinely dating their husbands.

All in all, if this blog accomplishes one thing it is that you are not alone in this feeling.

Things I tell myself all the time to get through each new disappointment and body to the land of lost men are "if you can like the wrong one this much, imagine how much you can like the right one."

And - how this last crash and burn of mine was likely a saving grace.

I think of TV shows like Friends or Sex and the City where all they did was go on horrible dates with men or date hundreds of guys until they found the one. They saw it all and kept going.

I have hope that there are men out there that won't be fearful of commitment, or fearful to date a girl smarter than them.

Sometimes men like dating down, or they are nervous of confidence and ambition. But, a man that is fearful of a confident woman is not the man for me, and that is okay.

We are meant to feel like this in our twenties; to be disappointed, to try again, to put ourselves out there, and to get back to the fun of dating.

I have hope towards the future and this is my official announcement that I am, yet again, starting over.

Happy Valentine's Day if you have not yet been told so. Thank you, as always, for being here and sharing in my words.

Starting over,

Jane