adjusting your expectations

I pour my heart into everything I do - whether it be a game, friendship, relationship, assignment, or path of life. The expectations I set for myself are high.

Sometimes, I do not let myself feel my success because in my mind it was an obligation to achieve them.

As I expect so much from myself, I also expect too much from others at times. The thing I have worked on the most in my many years of therapy has been learning to adjust my expectations.

I share relationships with friends that look completely different than they used to be. On some occasions, this is because my friend is failing to reach my expectation of a "best friend". Like I said, I have high expectations as a best friend to someone.

In a way, it is eldest daughter coded.

I will call you whenever you need me, I am checking in on how you are doing, and I want to know every single small detail about your day or whatever is going on in your life.

When that effort does not reciprocate, it does not mean they are a bad person or a bad friend, just a different friend. One that can serve another purpose for me. Or, more times than not, I am adjusting my expectation for this friendship to not upset me and get my hopes up.

Rather than quit the friendship or continuously get frustrated with their lack of commitment, I compartmentalize that relationship. I no longer believe they have to answer my call, respond to my text, or prioritize me in the way I would prefer. I have adjusted that my expectation for that friendship is a text every so often, maybe no calls, and convenient plans when needed. My energy gets poured elsewhere. An adjustment that hurt but an adjustment that was needed.

As of recently, I have had to adjust to my expectation of my dog, Millie. Days following Mickey's death, all I could think of was how Mickey would have comforted me through the sadness. He wouldn't have left my side, and he would have gladly stayed on the couch with me for hours.

That is not and has never been how Millie acts. Millie is reserved, she does not like to cuddle, she does not bark or come to the door, and she quite frankly never cared about people (or me) as much as Mickey did.

How crazy is it to miss the time when I borderline got a headache from my two dogs barking loudly as I entered my house?! But, I do. I miss Mickey, and I was so upset that Millie did not fill the void exactly how I envisioned it. Even though it is in no way Millie's fault and I was falsely hoping she would change into something she isn't.

However, I adjusted the expectation.

I know the bark won't be loud. I know Mickey is not at the door. I understand Millie doesn't cuddle or sit on the couch by choice. That unrealistic expectation of mine has been adjusted.

I have expectations of staying in contact with friends from college, and even high school friends throughout my four years in Georgia. Instead of getting upset every day at the lack of communication from certain friends, I have adjusted my expectations. I don't get upset when they don't call, rather I am pleasantly surprised when they do.

Additionally, my expectations are high for my law school experience. I want to enjoy learning like I did at UGA, but I have adjusted knowing that undergrad and law school are completely different. I will learn more once classes start but I have already calculated for some expectation adjustments within the coming weeks.

Another thing I am learning to adjust to is my new life in Boston. As of right now, I am adjusting to the fact that I am no longer a plane ride away from home - I am within 2 hours of my home and beach house. It is a new and weird feeling to have longer summers, and I thought I would love it more than I currently am.

It feels weird to be left behind because my whole life I have been the first person to go. Another expectation that is needing a readjustment.

But, that's life and adjusting your expectations keeps your energy managed.

I do not want this to seem like I let people walk all over me or cut people off. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is just who I allow to occupy my energy, my frustration, and my time.

I had been scheming this blog idea the past few days and another important example came from none other than Taylor Swift on the"New Heights" podcast. Which, by the way, is INSANE.

Taylor says "you should think of your energy as if it's expensive - as if it's like a luxury item. Not everyone can afford it. Not everyone has invested in you in order to be able to have the capital for you to care about this. Because, what you spend your energy on, that's the day."

That is exactly it. Your time is better invested in yourself, your priorities, happiness, and others that do the same for you. Adjust your expectations for people and situations that bring your energy down.

Lastly, one of my favorite quotes of all time is "you are allowed to change the price of what it costs to access you." In the process of adjusting expectations, and sorting energy to important spaces, know that in the end of it all is you. However much you want to 'cost' to others is determined by your price, worth, and energy.

Know the worth that you bring to the table, and when stuff gets frustrating or draining - adjust the expectations and realign.

This does not mean you give up on goals/dreams or the way people are allowed to treat you. This is just managing the reality of specific situations and channeling positive energy with readjusting overly high expectations from others.

Adjusting expectations is about boundaries and perspective, not about lowering your value in any way. You deserve that, and owe it to yourself.

Give people grace, yourself included.

xoxo,

Jane